sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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