We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
