No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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