we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
