If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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