upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I FOUND THE LEGS
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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