I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
