i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
