Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
