Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
