she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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