we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
