just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My vagina is very pro this idea
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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