I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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