I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize