There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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