evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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