It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
