my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Is it because I queefed?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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