"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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