You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
