i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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