So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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