Please, let me fuck your mom
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
