she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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