Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
