What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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