just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
