I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
