i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
