Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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