Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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