Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
