His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
