I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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