No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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