I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
