I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
