...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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