I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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