anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
