I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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