I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
