and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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