go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
