Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
