I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Randomize
