Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Your cock deserves a montage
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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