I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
