I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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