Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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