Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
