i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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