My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
