Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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