to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My balls are so social today.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
