my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
