He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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