i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Soap is not a condiment
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
