The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
