Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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