yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
