Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
